Not In A Million Years
by ms. potter
Summary: ~updated!~ things that HP charaters wouldn't think of saying. i know its been done, but this one's different. I promise! enjoy! r/r!
1. Chapter 1

_DISCLAIMER: __All of you know what I'm gonna write here, but I still want to put a proper disclaimer… Nothing belongs to me, okay? If I did own them all, id be one of the most famous people in the world!_ Not In A Million Years 

**Things Harry Potter Characters Wouldn't Think of Saying**

**Chapter 1**

**_a/n:_**_ I know it's been done lots of times, but this one's different… I promise!_

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Harry: Hey Ron, you know what, I think I'm starting to like Malfoy.

Ron: What? You mean you like him too? This is so great! Did you notice how cute he looks when he smirks?

Harry: Uh, Ron, that's not what I meant. I meant I'm starting to think Malfoy's not so bad after all… Hey, are you turning gay or something?

Ron (blushing): Um, never mind… I didn't say anything.

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Hermione: Hey Lavender, let's skip school and go to Hogsmeade… I need to buy new make-up… And besides, it's a great way to go guy spotting…

Lavender: Hermione, are you crazy? Skip school? No way! And what's with all the make-up anyway? And why are you so obsessed with guys?

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Dumbledore: Harry, why on earth are you here in my office again? I am sick and tired of you always barging in and just spitting your life story out in my face! Get out of here before I make Fawkes eat you!

Harry (crying): I hate you! I'm going to Professor Snape! (runs out of Dumbledore's office and accidentally trips and falls)

Dumbledore: Hahahaha! You clumsy oaf!

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Harry: Ron! Wanna watch a Quidditch game with me? The Chudley

Cannons are playing!

Ron: The Chudley Cannons? No way! They suck!

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Snape: Malfoy, will you stop looking at the Gryffindors!

Malfoy: Is there anything wrong with looking Prof.?

Snape: No, but I just want an excuse for me to take points off from Slytherin. 50 points form Slytherin because Mr. Malfoy here can't keep his eyes away from the Gryffindors! And 50 points to Gryffindor because I just feel like it!

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Crabbe: Hey Goyle, what's the square root of 7569?

Goyle: Easy. 87. But what's 18973 x 12474?

Crabbe(after .05 seconds): 236669202! That's so easy.

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Draco: Dad, are you really a Death Eater?

Lucius: No, son, I'm actually the Easter Bunny!

*a/n: I know it doesn't make any sense, but "eater" is kinda close to "Easter", so it's the first thing that came into my mind.*

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Hagrid: Class, today, we will be taking care of… TWIGS! That's right, harmless, quiet, twigs. Now gather as much twigs as you can, and Ill be calling you after 5 minutes.

Draco: I don't want to work with twigs! I want to work with hippogriffs! Where did that cute little Buckbeak go anyway? I miss him!

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Harry(outside Gryffindor tower): Oh damn! I forgot the password! Does anyone know?

Ron: I forgot it too.

(Neville comes)

Neville: Me! I know the password! I also know the password for the next week, then the week after that…

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Ron: Fred, George, can I have some of those Canary Creams? I need to get my revenge against Malfoy.

George: Canary Creams? What Canary Creams?

Ron: You know, the ones you made for your pranks?

Fred: We've given up pranks, little brother. We are following the footsteps of our idol, our very own brother, Percy.

George: So if you don't mind, Ron, we have to study for our N.E.W.T's.

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_*a/n: okay, I know it's not very good, I don't even know if I'll continue, but if I can think of some more, I'll add it, if not, well, I won't (duh). But anyways, r/r! thanks! [=ms.potter=] __J__*_


	2. Chapter 2

**_DISCLAIMER: _**_*see the first chapter!!!*_

Not In A Million Years **Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't think of saying** Chapter 2 

**a/n:** well, I decided to continue… I had some ideas in my head, and I had to get them out, or my head will explode!

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-during a class (Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, whatever you want, as long as Hermione takes it)-

^a professor (any professor, depends on what class you want to think they are in right now) asks a question^

Professor: So, who can answer? Come on, it's very easy… What about you, Ms. Granger?

Hermione (after waking up, coz she accidentally fell asleep): Huh? Can you repeat the question?

^Professor repeats the question^

Hermione: Um, um… I don't know! Ask someone else! Why do you keep calling me? I don't know anything about what you're talking about! Do you expect me to read all our course books? I don't think so.

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^after a meal (breakfast, lunch, dinner, you decide)^

Ron: Hey Harry, do you want to visit Hagrid?

Harry: You mean that big oaf? I don't think so… Ive got better things to do that spend time with a stupid git like him. I mean he got expelled! I don't want to be seen with him. It'll ruin my reputation.

Ron: Um, okay.

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^in the Gryffindor common room^

Ron: Hey Hermione, where's Crookshanks?

Hermione: Why, do you want to skin him alive or something?

Ron: Of course not! I want to pet him, and hug him, and kiss him…

*a/n: maybe this has a little possibility, you know, about Ron liking Crookshanks and all… Since Ron already found out about Scabbers' true identity, so maybe in the future, Ron would learn to like Crookshanks… But for now, let's just say he still dislikes him.*

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^a Transfiguration class^

McGonagall: Good morning class. Today, we'll be doing something different for a change. I'm going to give you a free period! So come on then, let's party!

(lets her hair down and starts to dance atop a table)

_*a/n: well, that's about all that I can think of… again, I don't know if I'll continue, if I can think of more, maybe I will… And I'm thinking of making BLOOPERS… tell me what you think… should I or should I not? But for now, r/r! thanks! [=ms.potter=] __J__ *_


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: ***see the first chapter*

Not In A Million Years 

**Things Harry Potter characters wouldn't think of saying**

**Chapter 3**

**a/n: **well, here I am again! I hope you all liked the first two chapters… I hope you like this one as well! Thanks for everyone who reviewed for the last 2 chapters!

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^in the Dursley household^

Vernon: So Harry, how are things going in your school? What was it called again?

Petunia: Oh Vernon, how can you forget! It's Hogwarts!

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Dudley: Mum, Dad, I want to study in Hogwarts, just like my beloved cousin, Harry!

Petunia: I don't think so Dudley. Hogwarts is a fine school. And besides, you are just a Muggle, like your dad and I!

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Harry: Oh I can't wait for this year to end!

Ron: Why Harry?

Harry: Because I want to go home to the Dursleys already! I miss them so much!

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^Harry's birthday^

(harry receives a gift from Ron, Hermione, and Sirius)

Harry: As always, the people whom I always receive gifts from.

(he goes down to cook breakfast for the Dursleys)

Vernon, Petunia, Dudley: Surprise! Happy Birthday Harry!!!

(Dudley hugs Harry)

Petunia: Since it's your birthday, we cooked for you! Enjoy!

Harry: Thanks! You guys are the best!

**a/n:** hey, you never know, that MIGHT happen one day…

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Petunia: Dudley! Behave yourself!

Dudley: Sorry Mum.

Vernon: Your Mother's right, Dudley. Why can't you be more like Harry? He's a perfect role model for you.

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Petunia: Harry, your Uncle and I would like to get to know your godfather.

Harry: You mean the convicted murderer?

Petunia: Exactly. So your Uncle and have decided to invite him to dinner sometime.

Harry: Okay, I'll send him an owl. When do you want him over?

Petunia: Well as soon as possible! I'd really like to know more about my dear sister's good friend! Oh, and if you want, you can invite your friends over too! What about the Weasley family? They seem to be a happy bunch, aren't they?

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Harry: Um, Uncle Vernon?

Vernon (in a sweet, father-like tone): Yes, Harry?

Harry: Well, my friend Ron Weasley invited me over for the remainder of the summer, and I was wondering if I could go.

Vernon: Well, alright. Whatever you want. Now, will they be picking you up, or should we bring you there?

Harry: Well, I'm not sure.

Vernon: How about if I just drive you there? I'd be more than happy to.

Harry: Okay Uncle Vernon, thanks!

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^about to board the Hogwarts Express^

Petunia: Well, goodbye Harry.

Dudley: I'll miss you Harry! (hugs Harry)

Vernon: Send us an OWL when you get there okay?

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**a/n: **well, that's about it for my Dursley Chapter… I don't know if I'll still  update this fic… Maybe if I get some ideas in my head, I will. But for the meantime, I think I'll be working on other fics. I hope you liked it… Not really that good, but presentable. Tell me what you think! REVIEW!!! Thanks a bunch!

][ms. potter][


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